Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest "Power Ranger" is?

Friends, Family, Countrymen:

Alright, so it may have been several months since my last post - my apologies.  My absence has been influenced by one of two things: 1) Well sheesh, I've just been too hugging busy with my fabulous social life and uber-important job that I haven't had a moment to spare, or 2) *Sigh* my life has been so friggin lack-luster in, well, just about every department that I just couldn't bear to provide proof of said boring life in a blog post.  It could be either option.  Really.... 

Anyhow, so I'm on another detail for work in lovely Twin Falls, ID and the absence of social activity  has given me a prime opportunity to reflect on various aspects of my life.  As I gazed back on the stimulating events of the last year, I made a shocking discovery regarding my love life.  Now I know what you're thinking: What love life?  I promise you (yes you, mom), I do go on dates - more frequently than you might think (she types, smirking in her own disbelief).  It's just that I haven't been on enough dates with any one of those strapping gentlemen to be able to brainwash them into "boyfriend" status.  But I digress....

"Boy"... yeah, that leads me to my recent revelation about my dating life.  Without premeditation or realization, I have become a prime specimen of one of them most beautiful, yet feared creatures on this crazy jungle we call Earth.  Have you guessed it yet? Oh yes, my friends.  Heather Delaine Young has become a


Now before you get too excited, my friends from Happy Valley, I'm not speaking of the scholastic genus of cougar (ahem, GO UTES!!).  I'm referring to that elusive and devious feline that preys on a single innocent and unsuspecting creature - the younger man.  Over the last year of my singlehood, the majority of the members of the male species with which I have been privileged to go out have been between at least 4-7 years younger than me.  Now, in normal secular culture, this would not translate directly to cougarhood.  I believe the practiced equation is "age divided by two plus seven."  In which case I'd have to commit a felony to earn the revered title (or date a 22 year old - who's really counting?).  But let's be honest - I live in Mormon country.  Any unmarried woman over the age of 24 is an anomaly, continuously looking for fresh quips to use in response to the ever-present "You're just too picky" or "Try this dating website - my [insert friend, sister, brother's cousin, etc] met their spouse there!" or "Have you considered getting any work done?"

So as a result of my impending spinsterhood, I have unwittingly stepped into the Earth-jungle as this "stalk-and-ambush" predator.  You may be thinking, "Poor girl!! She's so hopeless that she has to resort to pursuing the young, naive and defenseless."  Au contraire, mes amis.  Au contraire!!  There are just too many perks to being a cougar to toss this dating strategy aside as a last-ditch effort of desparation to obtain a degree in eternal companionship.  Want proof?  Too bad, you're getting it.  BOOM!!!

Cougar Proof #1: (Do I even need to say it?) Younger guys are HOT!!!
Oh yes, Mr. Cougar Bait is remarkably easy on the eyes.  He is still working out & playing sports, retaining most of his hair, admiring his muscles in the mirror.... to which I say THANK YOU!  I may be old, but I still take care of myself and I adore a guy that continues to do the same.  He may also be taking care of his brain through intense study at one of the many various universities in the area (ahem, UTES!!).  Now, this may also mean he is living off student loans and/or part-time and entry-level jobs, which can translate to cheaper dates.  But sacrifices must be made for hotness, ladies!

Cougar Proof #2:  Lots-o-fun!!
This is a big one, pals!!  Mr. Cougar Bait enjoys being spontaneous and doesn't take himself too seriously.  He's willing to make a fool of himself and dates because he thinks it will be a good time.  News flash, older guys - a date is just a date; not a binding contract pursuant to marriage, not the result of months of prior study to determine if you are "the one" before initiating a first date.  Could it lead to that?  Sure, but why worry about it before a first date?? See we girls, you know, we just wanna have fun.  A date is a great way for a lady to kick up her painful stilettos and simply get to know you, the man, better.  Cougar Bait fully understands this.   He's looking to shake it up and try new things - and we Cougars fully intend to take advantage of that!!
Cougar Proof #3: Life Expectancy
Okay, this is about as clinical as this argument is gonna get.  It's a fact - women live longer than men.  If I want my man to be holding my hand as we drift into the afterlife together, a la "The Notebook", I've simply got to marry younger.  It's science.  You can't argue with science.

Cougar Proof #4: Um, Demi Moore.  End of story.

Now I know what you must be asking: Heather Delaine, aren't there also cons to dating Mr. Cougar Bait?  Oh absolutely!  I've experienced them in spades.  But the pros are just more fun, so deal with it.  No need to pontificate. 

Now go get some Oreos and milk.  For me, not you.  Make it snappy.  I need a snack whilst I download more Zac Efron photos....


Iron said...

I thought we had determined you are a puma, not a full-fledged cougar. Oh, and I had some oreos and milk after dinner tonight. There will be some waiting for you when you come home this weekend.

Heather said...

Love it! Being a cougar is better. I've been dating younger for at least six years now. I don't know if I could date older. I even cringe when someone is my same age. I guess that could be bad. Who cares!

mjd said...

I don't care what you call yourself, fact is, there ain't nothin' better than HDY. You've got mad 'stalk and ambush' skills. Any guy, young or not as young, should consider it a privilege to be the recipient of a pounce on by you.

Heather Delaine said...

Alright, MJD, who the frak are you??? ;)

Heather Delaine said...

Nevermind - you've been discovered, Micah. haha Thanks for the vote of confidence. ;)

mjd said...

I'm so hurt. :)

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